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Humans are interesting beings; We feel very strongly about all our opinions, but most of them are just lines we picked up from our parents or teachers, and we have neither interest nor knowledge in the subject. So just to be clear, this is the form I’ll be using in this post:

<Statement>
<Seemingly contradictory statement>

Alright, we ready? Here we go!

“I’m not a racist!”
“I’m not ready for a black president.”

“Marijuana is a dangerous gateway drug, and should be illegal!”
“Come on guys, let’s go get shitfaced!”

“Apple is evil.”
“Microsoft is awesome!”

“Microsoft is evil.”
“Apple is awesome!”

“Dear Jesus, can we get some of the world peace, please?”
“Fuckin towelheads, think they can come here and do as they please, thinkin they own the damn place!?”

“I’m for democracy, and I they should have it too!”
“What, those people won? They’re terrorists! They’re an illegitimate fascist militant government!”

“We need to balance the budget!”
“What!? Gas is up 3 cents!?”

“Small government! Taxcuts taxcuts taxcuts!”
“Government better stay the hell away from my medicare!”

“I accept Jesus as my savior, I’m a born again Christian, and I read the bible every day!”
“Their religion preaches violence!”

And finally:

“Hey, Jesus, how about you give us some of that world peace, eh?”
“Socialism is nice on paper, but it’d never work out in real life!”

Warning: I am very angry right now, and this post reflects that. It contains filthy language, and is bursting at the seams with hate. Just thought you should know before I exposed you to this. <3

Dear Windows, I motherfucking hate your guts! In tandem with java you are everything that is wrong with the computer world. You represent every-fucking-thing that I hate. I am so God damn pissed with you both right now, you can’t even begin to comprehend the glowing hot rage I harbor for you.

Tell me, Windows, which other operating system in the known WORLD will just plain fucking stop listening to input, hmmm? Don’t you think input might be a teensy tiny bit FUCKING IMPORTANT!? And you! Java! You asscock! Don’t you dare think I’d forgotten about you! I can’t think of anything quite as obscenely useless as a programming language that refuses to compile to an external file, but works just “fine” inside an IDE. And I say “fine” because there’s no such thing as “fine” with java, only java-fine, which is only marginally better than thundershittingly bad.

And guess who can force java to behave? That’s right, Mac OS X can. It’s the exact same fucking project, I just copied the damn files over, but noooo, Windows can’t do shit with it, that’s for GOOD operating systems!

AAAAAARGH!

And one last thing, and I want you both to hear this! Windows, I’m having another affair with Linux. Java, I’m having an affair with Haskell. Both of them do things for me that you guys wouldn’t even dare to try! So from one exhausted and pissed off coder to two piss poor tools, I hate you both, and I hope you rot in 64-bit hell!

/nerdrage

Sincerely
Bjørn

While this seems to be love-week here on BRBcoffee, I have recently discovered a conspiracy that I simply must write about. It’s a matter of my own safety, for I fear that if this conspiracy goes unnoticed, I might die! If enough people know about it, the conspirators will either be too afraid to strike again, or at least when they succeed I will have left behind enough information that the guilty ones will easily be identified and taken care of.

I started suspecting that there was a conspiracy only yesterday, but there is evidence that it has gone on for much longer than that. The first thing that made me suspicious was the comments right here, on this blog! They’re using my own tools to conspire against me! Ghasp! If you look carefully, you’ll find that there are direct promises of violence against me under one blog post, and with that premise, other comments can be interpreted to be hidden threats. For instance “Something good might happen to the American people!” is obviously referring to my impending death.

As you can see, the conspirators are none other than my own handpicked co-authors! I can only speculate as to what their motives are, but one thing is certain, they have been at it, and recruiting co-conspirators, for a very long time! That picture is published on facebook, and in the comments section there are three more people who express glee at my passing.

It gets worse. I have reason to believe that they have direct access to my food-supply. As I was enjoying a moment of silence in my otherwise hectic day, and eating a dinner which I had most meticulously concocted, my own food tried to kill me. Had I not had water handy, as I always do, for situations just like this one, my food would have succeeded. The assault cannot have lasted longer than 20 seconds, but they were some of the longest seconds of my life! How they managed to inspire such mutiny in my food I do not know, but from now on I shall always be on guard, and always chew thoroughly.

In other news, I’ve recently revived my Linux partition, and am thinking about giving it a revamp. Any ideas?

I’m terribly sorry, my optimistic environmentalist friends, to inform you all that Earth Hour is absolutely useless. Now you are probably thinking that I’m some right-wing conservative, yelling about how CO₂ isn’t pollution or some shit, or that I’m gonna pull a Carlin and say that the planet is just fine, and that we’re the ones that are fucked. While that last statement is true, I’m an optimist like you, and I believe that we can unfuck ourselves, if we just get our heads out of our asses and start acting.

So what does that make me? I’m an environmentalist, an optimist, and a socialist, so I should be all for this awesome Earth Hour thing, right? Wrong! It is wrong because I made the mistake of following the advice to question everything, and I didn’t like the answers I found very much. There are some pretty uncool things going on with Earth Hour, things that most of you might not know about, but you will after you’ve read this blag.

So first, let’s look at what big players are participating in the event. There’s Coca-Cola of course, not the most environmentally friendly of the bunch, charged with depleting the ground-water in India. Then there’s HSBC, the extremely green bank, which of course has an entire division devoted to oil and gas investments. Pretty much exactly the same can be said about Wells Fargo. Are you starting to see the first issue here?

Pictured: Assholes

Rich douchebaggy corporations use Earth Hour to appear “greener” without actually doing anything to help the environment. The CEOs know, of course, that being massive douchebags in the dark is just as profitable as being huge dicks in the light, and if they can boost their public opinion by doing it too, well shit, Christmas came early… Again.

Next, let’s look at the glaring logical whole in the whole thing: Earth Hour doesn’t actually fix anything! I feel tempted to say that it doesn’t accomplish anything, but that would be a fallacy. It does make us feel like we’re doing something for the world, like we are in some small manner taking part of something greater than ourselves. As we all have seen throughout history, there is nothing quite as dangerous as mass suggestion. In this case I don’t think there’s any risk of a genocide or anything, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be wary of disaster. While the CO₂ is getting ready to sneak up on us and force it’s giant metaphysical penis up our collective sphincter, mankind will be busy flipping light-switches.

We’re not very good at this…

And now for the solution. The first part is really easy to fix, WWF simply needs to ban bad corporations, political movements, etc. from “participating.” Now WWF obviously can’t stop these people from turning off their lights every once in a while, and even if they could, that would be a ridiculous thing to do. However what they can do is not allow them to be front figures, and just don’t give them any undeserved credit. This will restore Earth Hour’s credibility. The second part is more tricky, as it is kind of a fundamental flaw. How do you fix a broken basis? Well this is where I apparently contradict myself by saying that I don’t think the second part necessarily needs fixing!

Earth Hour does one thing well, and that is reminding everyone that things aren’t exactly going so well for us right now, and the more such reminders we get, the more likely it is that we get tired of the nagging and get off our lazy asses and do something about it! For instance we could veer to the political left, start switching off oil-rigs instead of lightbulbs, start implementing existing filtering technology at existing refineries, and research alternative energy-sources. You know, certified douche-free stuff.

I think I might have stumbled upon something genius in that last sentence. I think the new world policy should simply be to act like douchebags all the time. But that’s crazy-talk! As if there could be such a thing as a douche-free world, why, what an amusing joke. Lol socialism, am I right?

Fuck yeah!

[poll id=9]

Song of the blog: Fireflies

Just thought I’d tell you all how happy I am for you. Too bad you didn’t do this a year ago when it had the potential to be awesome instead of just good. Still, it’s a step in the right direction!