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So I must be going through a rough patch as of recent, because I am just having a terrible time with everything. My mood swings from happy to sad, my attitude changes in an instant. I go from nice to bitch in under three seconds (a new record!) and I have no idea why.
It’s probably stress, but I don’t believe in stress! I’m taking three AP tests in two weeks that will determine how much I have to pay for college along with my SAT on May 1st which will hopefully get me good scholarships. I’m in eight clubs, I try to assist the community, I try to keep good grades, and I try to still be a friend. Instead of excelling in one thing, I am failing in all. I’m not doing well in my classes, I’m not being a good friend, I’m not going to do well on the SAT, and I don’t assist the community as much as I used to.
I hate myself and everything that happens to me. I hate that I fall; I hate that I get angry about things; I hate that I hate myself. I have had such low self-esteem as of recent that I’ve been having these terrible nightmares about the people around me hating me, shunning me, despising me. I cannot get that out of my head. I feel like everyone is annoyed by me. I feel like I am failing everyone, especially myself.
I had dreams. I wanted to be something. I had a drive. I never expected for myself to turn out like this. I never expected that I would be a seventeen year old girl on the verge of tears over my chemistry grade, or unable to go places because I don’t have the money. I never wanted to be this person. I wanted to be the first in my class, I wanted to go to a college out of state, I wanted to be successful and have the makings of a happy life. Guess what? That hasn’t happened.
I think the thing I hate most is that I don’t read. I never thought I would be that person—the guy who is too busy to read. I never thought it would take me weeks to read the Grapes of Wrath. I never would have even dreamed that I would only read four books in four months. I’ve become as literate as the freshmen in my Spanish class, able yet unwilling to read.
What drives this seemingly sudden hate? Probably some rather alarming news about my grandmother, who officially can’t live independently. The last visit I had last weekend was the last time she would ever recognize me as her granddaughter, because her mind is gone now. She’s confused; she’s old. The decadence of the mind leads to many thought stimulating questions, and uncovers many insecurities.
What do I want to do with my life? Where can I go? What can I be? Will I be happy? Will it be worth it? Will I grow old? Will I die next week? Will this life be worth it? Should I spend time worrying about money, or should I focus on that happiness? Should I want a family, or success? Should my focus be on happy children or a happy me? Where is the line and how do I find it?
These insecurities make me hate myself even more. I hate that I don’t know who I am. I hate that I wont ever know who I am until I’m old and decrepit, and once I finally figure it out I lose it all. Is it worth it?
On the bright side, here’s a quote from my favorite book: “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”
The Count of Monte Cristo
I’m pretty miserable right now… so maybe soon I’ll be pretty happy! It’s a comparison!
I still love you, even if I don’t love myself!
Elizabeth <3
The things I appreciate in this world:
1.The beauty around me, whether it be people or places. Everything is beautiful.
2.Babies. (Especially Riley and Shelby and Harding!)
3.Good sentences. No matter if they are complex or simple, sentences are amazing.
4.My parents. They provide for me (for now) and will hopefully always support me (though I’m cut off financially in twelve months!)
5.My siblings. They’re my best friends and always have been. We have a relationship like no other family I know.
6.Douche bag Christians. Who else would I argue with?
7.Republicans. Who else would I argue with?
8.Watches.
9.This here energy powering my computer and refrigerator and lights!
10.My darling friends who don’t hate me and don’t make me feel like crap every day.
11.Not being mauled by bears.
12.Bears.
13.Ann Coulter.
14.The United Nations (good job on this peace, guys!)
15.The makers of South Park. I wouldn’t send them death threats for making fun of my Jesus!
16.Tea. I love tea.
17.Halloween costumes.
18.Metal. (The music and the hard stuff!)
19.Microwaves.
20.Cell phones!
21.Socialism.
22.Darwinism.
23.Social Darwinism.
24.AP History/AP Chemistry/AP English
25.Not being dumber than fuck.
26.Cursing.
27.Attractive men.
28.Unattractive men.
29.Mildly attractive men.
30.Not being an extremist!
31.Everyone who isn’t an extremist!
32.Grandaddy. He’s a good fellow.
33.Grandmother Burney. Even though she’s completely lost her mind and can’t remember anything and occasionally gets naked without realizing it, she’s still the nicest person I know.
34.Funny people.
35.People who will laugh at anything.
36.The person who made up the joke “What did the Leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!” (ISN’T THAT FUNNY?)
37.J Kade.
38.Karl Marx. Good man, good man.
39.threadless.com
40.People who speak coherently.
41.Parents who DON’T do everything for their kids.
42.College kids who don’t live with their parents.
43.Cock-blockers
44.The phrase “cock-block”
45.The Roman empire.
46.The Vatican. (How else can we waste our money?)
47.Not-ridiculously-skinny people.
48.Interracial babies. (They’re the cutest!)
49.Using my mind occasionally!
50.You!
I told you I like babies.
I think this was a fitting blog with no real importance. Thanks for reading (or not), in the meantime, let’s figure out how to keep me from trying to have a baby in high school! (OHMYGOD THEY’RE SO CUTE!)
Love you (and especially babies!!),
Elizabeth <3
There are something I love in this world, and Tuesday is one of them! Why? Why not!
Tuesday isn’t the first day of the week, it isn’t a half-way mark, it’s seemingly irrelevant. Monday is the first day of the week and I have my night class on Monday. Wednesday is church at night, Key Club, and Piano, Thursday is Model UN and house errands and usually a crap ton of homework, Friday is party day, Saturday is rest day along with doing whatever stuff in the house I have to do, Sunday is church day and stop procrastinating day. That leaves Tuesday!
What happens on Tuesdays? Occasionally I have a 4-H meeting or a Youth Alive whatever, but those never last long. On Tuesdays I never have much homework, never much responsibility, never much of anything to do. Tuesdays are the best days! For one afternoon a week I am guaranteed a break from the regular, hectic routine to shake things up a little. Maybe I’ll go and package food for the homeless like I did tonight, maybe I’ll learn my Chemistry absolutely, maybe I’ll write that English essay I’ve been putting off, maybe I’ll run a mile, maybe I’ll go driving for the hell of it.
There’s just some spontaneity coming from Tuesdays. Tuesday! The day that I don’t know what I’m doing! Tuesday! The interesting day! In the world of entropy, Tuesdays would have the highest amount of chaos in the world.
I love Tuesdays. I love that feeling of change, that feeling of variety in my lifestyle. I like thinking that I can go and get ice cream if I want on Tuesdays or I can go to a Key Club board meeting. I can run a Youth Alive meeting or help kids with 4-H. I can practice for my National Honors Society induction or I can go home and take a nap. Tuesdays don’t have plans, they’re perfect in every way.
In other news, I fell yesterday and I have three larger than a cup sized wounds, one on my knee (I ripped my pants!), one on my hip (it hurts when I wear pants!), and one on my elbow. They hurt and I hate myself. 🙁 In other other news, I am so happy! I love everything about life and especially you!
Love you, (and especially these Tuesdays!)
Elizabeth <3
Hi.
I just came home from an 18 hour train ride from Oslo to Bodø. In Oslo i attended Red Youths biennial country meeting, its highest political and organizational authority. I will not discuss what happened there, but rather something else entirely.
It amazed me how something as simple as a small crush can be so profound in its effect. They say that love is giving someone the opportunity to hurt you and hoping they don’t, and that you never trust anyone as easily as you did the first time. I like this definition because it means that at the end of it all, when you are standing in the ashes of what used to make you smile and your heart beat 10 times faster, the pain you feel means that no matter how fleeting or distant it was, it was real but for a moment.
I have recently experienced a heartbreak. For a while, following my earlier trail of thought, I did not feel that much at the end. So I figured maybe it had not really mattered to me after all. But what thoughts and feelings your mind is able to suppress, comes to light when you are weary and alone with your own thoughts. And suddenly it mattered more than anything, and you feel all alone in a world that is just a little bit too harsh.
I purchased a replica death note and wrote your name in it. I do not know if I hoped it would work, but at the very least it meant the death of whatever good feelings I had left for you.
Vegard
Following is an exert of a conversation me and fellow brbcoffeer Elaine had:
(10:44:06 PM) Vegard: alright i can’t think of an awesome enough metaphor, so im gonna serve you with “drumroll” “trumpets” analysis of the norwegian society in 5 minutes!
(10:44:25 PM) Elaine: do it
(10:44:25 PM)Vegard: 1800s! norway is a poor farmer country. people live on potatoes and fish, family is important and there are manners!
(10:44:34 PM) Elaine: yay
(10:44:46 PM) Vegard: 1900s! norway becomes industrialized through a series of wars and a social democratic working movement
(10:44:59 PM) Vegard: 1960s! norway finds OIL, and becomes one of the richest countries in the world
(10:45:20 PM) Vegard: norway developes universial health care, governmental support and all such things so that noone ever has to feel alone and scarted
(10:45:23 PM) Vegard: scared*
(10:45:27 PM) Elaine: yay! oil!
(10:45:38 PM) Elaine: what a concept
(10:45:47 PM) Vegard: 1990! children are born growing up with the sence that everything will fall into their laps, and they never have to work hard for anything
(10:46:00 PM) Elaine: My birth year!
(10:46:15 PM) Vegard: 2010: the academical world is governed by people from all over th world working hard to achieve something, get a good career!
(10:46:41 PM) Vegard: while norwegians in academia abroad has this exact attitude: “i can always get a bachelor in something back home and work in some government corporation”
(10:47:28 PM) Elaine: hah
(10:47:28 PM) Vegard: norwegians socially end up afraid of black people, afraid of eachother, drinking too much alcohol, never greeting eachother, never standing up for old people on the bus, and if you dare smile at someone you don’t know you get labled crazy
(10:47:34 PM) Elaine: bahaha
(10:47:40 PM) Vegard: i present to you: norway. the most arrogant country in the world
(10:47:47 PM) Vegard: now with great fjords
(10:47:50 PM) Vegard: *conclusion*
(10:47:54 PM) Elaine: Wow
(10:48:04 PM) Elaine: *applause*
(10:48:08 PM) Vegard: *bow*
Social democracy: the wet blanket over society.
Until next time friends,
Vegard