Author Archive
As none of you may know, this past couple of weeks I have been dieting. This weekend, I failed at said diet. I had been doing really good, honestly, what with eating about 1000-1200 calories a day and exercising for at least an hour. But then, yesterday, I pretty much binged. Well, it wasn’t a horrible binge, but I ate about 500 calories of stuff I didn’t need and usually try to avoid (i.e. heavenly sour dough bread, chip-idy doo da’s, straight up alcohol, etc.). To top it all off, I didn’t even exercise. Booyah! Of course, I feel guilty today- but not guilty enough to not eat a piece of homemade apple coffee cake. 😀
Here is my resolution: tomorrow, I jump right back on the ol’ diet bandwagon. Smoothie for breakfast, cup of veggie chili for lunch, and something lean for supper. Le sigh…
Onto more entertaining news, a big, fluffy stray black cat wandered over to my house today! Judging by her well-maintained coat of fur and friendliness to us human folk, she was definitely a house cat. She kept meowing at me and would follow me around the yard. I wanted to steal her! But that would be a bad idea as I am already drowning in a house of fur, thanks to my seven feline babies. My mother and I figured she belonged to the house across the street, but nobody was home when we went over to return her. Not knowing what else to do, we set up a little outdoor cat house for her just in case her people never came home. I wonder if she is still there….
And in even more entertaining news, I’m pretty sure my mother has been possessed by the ghost of Chris Farley’s character in ‘Tommy Boy.’ She is literally sleeping on a nearby couch, half-eaten piece of cake at her side, with her feet twitching about as if she is dream-running, and mumbling some strange nonsense. Dear God.
I bid you adieu!
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There is a male that lives in this household who does not wash his hands after using the bathroom. I know this for a fact, seeing as my study and general “hanging out” area is very near the bathroom. Countless times have I seen him enter the commode, heard the toilet flush, and in a matter of nanoseconds he is out of there. Now, I’m no scientist, but I am fairly certain that the time in between the toilet flushing and the door opening leaves absolutely no possibility of a proper handwash taking place.
Pardon my French, but that is fucking sick.
I wash my hands every time I use the restroom- with soap, warm water, and for a good 30 seconds. I do it mostly because of the frightening thought of who has been there before me and touched all the handles. However, if I regularly had to hold my dirty, urine-spouting penis every time I used the toilet, I’d be washing for a whole different reason. But nooope, not with this one- he could probably take a crap on his hand and he’d just be like, “Eh, it’s just poop. Let me wipe it off on the door handle and call it a day.”
Argghhh, men! Why do you have to be so yucky?
Ok, so I may be a tiny bit of a germaphobe (which isn’t a word by the way, and therefore my auto-corrector has suggested ‘hermaphrodite’ as a correction), but what’s so bad about that? Maybe if there had been a few more of us germaphobes about back in the day, perhaps the Black Plague wouldn’t have wiped out 1/3 of Europe, hm? Well, that’s a pretty horrible supposition, but you see where I’m going with this. Humans have had to develop germ-paranoia because it has been [and still is] incredibly deadly.
In conclusion (<— one of the worst ways to begin a conclusion), I’d like to ask all the men and women and babies and dexterous animals out there to make a conscious effort to wash your motha flippin hands/paws/cyborg arms. Do it after you use the restroom, before you prepare food, and whenever else you feel like it!
Good Day!
I’d like to know why the authors on this blog seem to always write in sync with one another? We’re like women who have lived together for way too long and have our periods at the same time. Yes, I just compared BRBcoffee to menstruation. Booyah!
What I really want to write about today is….HALLOWEEN! Now, while I often look down upon the ways of “typical” Americans, I must confess that I am probably one of the worst when it comes to partaking in meaningless Halloween rituals. I honestly have almost no clue where the true origins of this holiday come from, nor what significance it holds in history, but that’s where Wikipedia comes in handy. To roughly summarize, it comes from the Celtic holiday known as “Samhain” which, “celebrates the end of the ‘lighter half’ of the year and beginning of the ‘darker half,’ and is sometimes regarded as the ‘Celtic New Year.’ ” The aforementioned Celts believed that the doors between this world and the “other” world became easier to pass through. They welcomed the good spirits and warded off the bad ones with costumes and masks. So, I guess that explains where the whole costume thing came from. Of course, if you were truly trying to honor the past, you could only wear scary costumes. That seems very limiting, no? I mean, if we had to adhere to those rules, you’d never be able to see me as Elton John (a costume which must wait one more year until I’m 21 and can therefore maximize its glory), and that’s a travesty that I just can’t live with.
So you know what I say? Screw those traditions! I want Halloween to be about ridiculous costumes, and massive amounts of candy which lead to obesity and cavities, and carving pumpkins into completely non-original faces and, and, and! And everything which brings joy! If you haven’t noticed, this world is kind of in the process of hitting the fan, so to speak, and so why not use a certain day every year to goof off and enjoy life? Ahhh, but it’s the devil’s holiday! Children that dress up as witches (AKA Christine O’Donnell, hahaha) are blasphemous! Lighten up, my hardcore Christian comrades. Halloween was founded upon an equally unbelievable platform as Christianity, but at least it’s not killing anybody in the process!
Anywhozille, I plan on spending this Sunday with my family, watching/re-creating Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” music video, eating some candy originally intended for trick-or-treaters, and simply enjoying the fact that Sarah Palin is not president.
Good day!
Someone buy this for me, please?
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Tomorrow, I head to ye ol’ town of Dayton in order to help prepare for my, let me think a minute, third cousin’s funeral. I mentioned her in an earlier, emo blog, but I think I have come to terms with her death and whatnot and so I’m feeling much better about things. I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to say this, but I’m actually kind of looking forward to the funeral. It’s going to be the closest thing my paternal side of the family- scratch that, they are my only extended family- has had to a family reunion in years upon years. By no means are we a large family, but it seems like people used to make more of an effort to get together on the holidays and such. For one thing, everybody started dying off. For a second thing, everyone moved away. The only ones left in Dayton are my grandmother and great-grandmother. Anyways, I miss it and so I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, be that moral or immoral of me to say.
In other news, Sarah Palin is a 10th cousin of Barack Obama. Crazy times, yes? What I want to know is how the devil they can trace back that far. I think most of us would be lucky if we could trace back 3-4 direct generations, let alone know all the cousins and distant relations that correspond to each. Mayhap the world of political breeding is similar to that of Royalty- it’s a small pool and inbreeding is bound to occur. Mayhap that is why they are all so fucked up in the head…
Last eve, as I was watching an awesome American television show known as “Sister Wives,” I saw an advertisement for what undoubtedly promises to be the worst show ever: “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
You know what this means, don’t you? Palin is going to use this blasted television show to worm her evil little way into the hearts and minds of the American television-viewing public! And then, ohhhh and then, she will use her celebrity to climb up the political ladder once more and eventually become the President of this hopeless nation and we shall be doomed! Nuclear warfare will inevitably ensue and there goes the human race. That’s just what happens when you’re a gun-toting, wolf-shooting maverick like Satan Palin.
What I say to you, my few and totally liberal readers who this won’t even apply to, is this: RESIST! Resist that charm that always comes with a “reality” tv show, resist Sarah and all her Alaska-ness, and most importantly- resist the purely devilish temptation to vote for her on any and all ballots!
Good night, and good luck.
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