While this seems to be love-week here on BRBcoffee, I have recently discovered a conspiracy that I simply must write about. It’s a matter of my own safety, for I fear that if this conspiracy goes unnoticed, I might die! If enough people know about it, the conspirators will either be too afraid to strike again, or at least when they succeed I will have left behind enough information that the guilty ones will easily be identified and taken care of.
I started suspecting that there was a conspiracy only yesterday, but there is evidence that it has gone on for much longer than that. The first thing that made me suspicious was the comments right here, on this blog! They’re using my own tools to conspire against me! 
Ghasp! If you look carefully, you’ll find that there are direct promises of violence against me under one blog post, and with that premise, other comments can be interpreted to be hidden threats. For instance “Something good might happen to the American people!” is obviously referring to my impending death.
As you can see, the conspirators are none other than my own handpicked co-authors! I can only speculate as to what their motives are, but one thing is certain, they have been at it, and recruiting co-conspirators, for a very long time! That picture is published on facebook, and in the comments section there are three more people who express glee at my passing.
It gets worse. I have reason to believe that they have direct access to my food-supply. As I was enjoying a moment of silence in my otherwise hectic day, and eating a dinner which I had most meticulously concocted, my own food tried to kill me. Had I not had water handy, as I always do, for situations just like this one, my food would have succeeded. The assault cannot have lasted longer than 20 seconds, but they were some of the longest seconds of my life! How they managed to inspire such mutiny in my food I do not know, but from now on I shall always be on guard, and always chew thoroughly.
In other news, I’ve recently revived my Linux partition, and am thinking about giving it a revamp. Any ideas?
So I must be going through a rough patch as of recent, because I am just having a terrible time with everything. My mood swings from happy to sad, my attitude changes in an instant. I go from nice to bitch in under three seconds (a new record!) and I have no idea why.
It’s probably stress, but I don’t believe in stress! I’m taking three AP tests in two weeks that will determine how much I have to pay for college along with my SAT on May 1st which will hopefully get me good scholarships. I’m in eight clubs, I try to assist the community, I try to keep good grades, and I try to still be a friend. Instead of excelling in one thing, I am failing in all. I’m not doing well in my classes, I’m not being a good friend, I’m not going to do well on the SAT, and I don’t assist the community as much as I used to.
I hate myself and everything that happens to me. I hate that I fall; I hate that I get angry about things; I hate that I hate myself. I have had such low self-esteem as of recent that I’ve been having these terrible nightmares about the people around me hating me, shunning me, despising me. I cannot get that out of my head. I feel like everyone is annoyed by me. I feel like I am failing everyone, especially myself.
I had dreams. I wanted to be something. I had a drive. I never expected for myself to turn out like this. I never expected that I would be a seventeen year old girl on the verge of tears over my chemistry grade, or unable to go places because I don’t have the money. I never wanted to be this person. I wanted to be the first in my class, I wanted to go to a college out of state, I wanted to be successful and have the makings of a happy life. Guess what? That hasn’t happened.
I think the thing I hate most is that I don’t read. I never thought I would be that person—the guy who is too busy to read. I never thought it would take me weeks to read the Grapes of Wrath. I never would have even dreamed that I would only read four books in four months. I’ve become as literate as the freshmen in my Spanish class, able yet unwilling to read.
What drives this seemingly sudden hate? Probably some rather alarming news about my grandmother, who officially can’t live independently. The last visit I had last weekend was the last time she would ever recognize me as her granddaughter, because her mind is gone now. She’s confused; she’s old. The decadence of the mind leads to many thought stimulating questions, and uncovers many insecurities.
What do I want to do with my life? Where can I go? What can I be? Will I be happy? Will it be worth it? Will I grow old? Will I die next week? Will this life be worth it? Should I spend time worrying about money, or should I focus on that happiness? Should I want a family, or success? Should my focus be on happy children or a happy me? Where is the line and how do I find it?
These insecurities make me hate myself even more. I hate that I don’t know who I am. I hate that I wont ever know who I am until I’m old and decrepit, and once I finally figure it out I lose it all. Is it worth it?
On the bright side, here’s a quote from my favorite book: “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”
The Count of Monte Cristo
I’m pretty miserable right now… so maybe soon I’ll be pretty happy! It’s a comparison!
I still love you, even if I don’t love myself!
Elizabeth <3
The things I appreciate in this world:
1.The beauty around me, whether it be people or places. Everything is beautiful.
2.Babies. (Especially Riley and Shelby and Harding!)
3.Good sentences. No matter if they are complex or simple, sentences are amazing.
4.My parents. They provide for me (for now) and will hopefully always support me (though I’m cut off financially in twelve months!)
5.My siblings. They’re my best friends and always have been. We have a relationship like no other family I know.
6.Douche bag Christians. Who else would I argue with?
7.Republicans. Who else would I argue with?
8.Watches.
9.This here energy powering my computer and refrigerator and lights!
10.My darling friends who don’t hate me and don’t make me feel like crap every day.
11.Not being mauled by bears.
12.Bears.
13.Ann Coulter.
14.The United Nations (good job on this peace, guys!)
15.The makers of South Park. I wouldn’t send them death threats for making fun of my Jesus!
16.Tea. I love tea.
17.Halloween costumes.
18.Metal. (The music and the hard stuff!)
19.Microwaves.
20.Cell phones!
21.Socialism.
22.Darwinism.
23.Social Darwinism.
24.AP History/AP Chemistry/AP English
25.Not being dumber than fuck.
26.Cursing.
27.Attractive men.
28.Unattractive men.
29.Mildly attractive men.
30.Not being an extremist!
31.Everyone who isn’t an extremist!
32.Grandaddy. He’s a good fellow.
33.Grandmother Burney. Even though she’s completely lost her mind and can’t remember anything and occasionally gets naked without realizing it, she’s still the nicest person I know.
34.Funny people.
35.People who will laugh at anything.
36.The person who made up the joke “What did the Leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!” (ISN’T THAT FUNNY?)
37.J Kade.
38.Karl Marx. Good man, good man.
39.threadless.com
40.People who speak coherently.
41.Parents who DON’T do everything for their kids.
42.College kids who don’t live with their parents.
43.Cock-blockers
44.The phrase “cock-block”
45.The Roman empire.
46.The Vatican. (How else can we waste our money?)
47.Not-ridiculously-skinny people.
48.Interracial babies. (They’re the cutest!)
49.Using my mind occasionally!
50.You!
I told you I like babies.
I think this was a fitting blog with no real importance. Thanks for reading (or not), in the meantime, let’s figure out how to keep me from trying to have a baby in high school! (OHMYGOD THEY’RE SO CUTE!)
Love you (and especially babies!!),
Elizabeth <3
As I sit here, clumsily half-drinking, half-spilling my wine, I am suddenly struck with the notion to write a blog about the indescribable topic of love.
But first! The typical, yet wonderful love song playlist:
“Not About Love” -Fiona Apple
“House of Cards” -Radiohead
“It Must Be Love” -Madness
“Love” -Paul Simon
“Kathy’s Song” -Simon & Garfunkel
“Resistance” -Muse
“Love Of My Life” -Queen
“Let’s Stay Together” -Al Green
“Nothing Compares 2 U” -Sinead O’Connor (or Prince if you prefer)
“Overs” -Simon & Garfunkel
“It Ain’t Me Babe” -Bob Dylan
Shall we start with an over-simplified analysis? Of course!
Amazingly, I couldn’t find a schematic of love on Google Images, hence I had to go into Microsoft Word and conjure up some semblance of one with poor graphics and inappropriate sarcasm (don’t take offense to this my lovebird readers):
Now here’s a shocker (maybe) for you: I’ve never been in love! That’s right- I’ve never had a real boyfriend or anyone who seemed even remotely interested in me (save that man downtown with the wheelchair…). It’s a bit pathetic, really, and this might just prove to be a bad decision, confessing all of this to you and whatnot, but I don’t really care- at least this blog will be one of genuineness.
So, you might be wondering why the devil little ol’ me wanted to write a blog about a topic I have no personal experience in? Maybe it is my lack of experience which intrigues me so. Love is a universal subject which all beings are involved in, some way or another. We all want it, we are all burned by it at some point, and yet we always always always come back for more. Can you think of anything else that comes even remotely close to having that kind of absurdity? I cannot.
Let’s finish up this menagerie of rambling with a poll!
[poll id=”11″]
There are something I love in this world, and Tuesday is one of them! Why? Why not!
Tuesday isn’t the first day of the week, it isn’t a half-way mark, it’s seemingly irrelevant. Monday is the first day of the week and I have my night class on Monday. Wednesday is church at night, Key Club, and Piano, Thursday is Model UN and house errands and usually a crap ton of homework, Friday is party day, Saturday is rest day along with doing whatever stuff in the house I have to do, Sunday is church day and stop procrastinating day. That leaves Tuesday!
What happens on Tuesdays? Occasionally I have a 4-H meeting or a Youth Alive whatever, but those never last long. On Tuesdays I never have much homework, never much responsibility, never much of anything to do. Tuesdays are the best days! For one afternoon a week I am guaranteed a break from the regular, hectic routine to shake things up a little. Maybe I’ll go and package food for the homeless like I did tonight, maybe I’ll learn my Chemistry absolutely, maybe I’ll write that English essay I’ve been putting off, maybe I’ll run a mile, maybe I’ll go driving for the hell of it.
There’s just some spontaneity coming from Tuesdays. Tuesday! The day that I don’t know what I’m doing! Tuesday! The interesting day! In the world of entropy, Tuesdays would have the highest amount of chaos in the world.
I love Tuesdays. I love that feeling of change, that feeling of variety in my lifestyle. I like thinking that I can go and get ice cream if I want on Tuesdays or I can go to a Key Club board meeting. I can run a Youth Alive meeting or help kids with 4-H. I can practice for my National Honors Society induction or I can go home and take a nap. Tuesdays don’t have plans, they’re perfect in every way.
In other news, I fell yesterday and I have three larger than a cup sized wounds, one on my knee (I ripped my pants!), one on my hip (it hurts when I wear pants!), and one on my elbow. They hurt and I hate myself. 🙁 In other other news, I am so happy! I love everything about life and especially you!
Love you, (and especially these Tuesdays!)
Elizabeth <3