So I must be going through a rough patch as of recent, because I am just having a terrible time with everything. My mood swings from happy to sad, my attitude changes in an instant. I go from nice to bitch in under three seconds (a new record!) and I have no idea why.
It’s probably stress, but I don’t believe in stress! I’m taking three AP tests in two weeks that will determine how much I have to pay for college along with my SAT on May 1st which will hopefully get me good scholarships. I’m in eight clubs, I try to assist the community, I try to keep good grades, and I try to still be a friend. Instead of excelling in one thing, I am failing in all. I’m not doing well in my classes, I’m not being a good friend, I’m not going to do well on the SAT, and I don’t assist the community as much as I used to.
I hate myself and everything that happens to me. I hate that I fall; I hate that I get angry about things; I hate that I hate myself. I have had such low self-esteem as of recent that I’ve been having these terrible nightmares about the people around me hating me, shunning me, despising me. I cannot get that out of my head. I feel like everyone is annoyed by me. I feel like I am failing everyone, especially myself.
I had dreams. I wanted to be something. I had a drive. I never expected for myself to turn out like this. I never expected that I would be a seventeen year old girl on the verge of tears over my chemistry grade, or unable to go places because I don’t have the money. I never wanted to be this person. I wanted to be the first in my class, I wanted to go to a college out of state, I wanted to be successful and have the makings of a happy life. Guess what? That hasn’t happened.
I think the thing I hate most is that I don’t read. I never thought I would be that person—the guy who is too busy to read. I never thought it would take me weeks to read the Grapes of Wrath. I never would have even dreamed that I would only read four books in four months. I’ve become as literate as the freshmen in my Spanish class, able yet unwilling to read.
What drives this seemingly sudden hate? Probably some rather alarming news about my grandmother, who officially can’t live independently. The last visit I had last weekend was the last time she would ever recognize me as her granddaughter, because her mind is gone now. She’s confused; she’s old. The decadence of the mind leads to many thought stimulating questions, and uncovers many insecurities.
What do I want to do with my life? Where can I go? What can I be? Will I be happy? Will it be worth it? Will I grow old? Will I die next week? Will this life be worth it? Should I spend time worrying about money, or should I focus on that happiness? Should I want a family, or success? Should my focus be on happy children or a happy me? Where is the line and how do I find it?
These insecurities make me hate myself even more. I hate that I don’t know who I am. I hate that I wont ever know who I am until I’m old and decrepit, and once I finally figure it out I lose it all. Is it worth it?
On the bright side, here’s a quote from my favorite book: “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”
The Count of Monte Cristo
I’m pretty miserable right now… so maybe soon I’ll be pretty happy! It’s a comparison!
I still love you, even if I don’t love myself!
Elizabeth <3
You know that saying, “We plan and God laughs?” I think that applies to what you’re going through. Fret not, we all have periods of self-doubt (except Bjørn of course who is a self-proclaimed King and Prophet). Most people go through it several times in their lives. I still sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing with my life, but then I turn to the drink and the world seems a happier place…j/k…kinda.
The only comfort I could possibly give is the notion that it will all work out as it should in the end. I know that’s an overly-used saying that almost makes no sense, but from my experiences I dare say it is true. Your life will most likely not work out the way you planned it, it could work out even better. Life is about learning, and no matter what college you go to or what grade you get in AP Chemistry, you will learn something valuable from every experience.
Oh sheesh, I’m getting all Oprah on you. Hope this helps in some way or another. 🙂
Haha, it does, don’t you worry!
I’m not too concerned, I just dislike the idea that everyone around me knows exactly what they are doing which their life. They have plans and they will stick to it. What about me? I don’t have any plan! No notion to go somewhere or do something.
I’ll do better.
I know how you feel! I don’t have a plan for anything, and although that is partially scary and depressing, it’s kinda fun. Once upon a time I realized that no matter what happens and how much I plan ahead, something unexpected can and probably will happen some day and change it all. Of course since my mind is always running on full speed, I keep making new plans all the time, like every 5th minute, that I do not really care about or try remotely to follow. I have no track of how many I’ve had. And why bother? Something could happen tomorrow to throw that all out of whack!
Not sure anything I’m saying is helping at all, but I gosh darn diddely do hope so. If not, as I said in a blog entry, you can always come to Norway, get a bachelor in something vaguely interesting and work in some government corporation! Yay!!!
Damn it, if only I had the money to go to Norway!