What a place.
I look at America, even at the world, and I see society after society focused on the bad, the depressing, the wrong.
Rarely are we credited for what was right; so often, instead, we are condemned for the mistakes.
I want to live a life where I wake up smiling, where I think that this day was the best since yesterday. I think the antithesis. I wake up with a curse word on my lips, each day getting worse than the one before.
This life, the way I live it, has me thinking about what I do day to day. I help the community, but not for the right reasons. I help others not for them, but for me. To keep active, to keep happy. Why? Because perhaps if I don’t remain in motion, I will have to actually accept myself for whom I am. Am I a bitch that no one wants to be around? Maybe. Am I a self-righteous, pretentious asshole who does think for attention? Probably. Am I happy about any of these things? God no.
I look at myself, and I’m okay with changing every little thing. I live a paradox where I hate everything about myself, especially the fact that I hate so much.
I was told the other week that I don’t hate anyone because I don’t love anyone. I don’t love anyone because I am unable to feel any emotion, any true emotion. Perhaps I am distant or perhaps I am closer than anyone imagines.
I hate the world for its focus on the bad, the cruel, the wrong, yet I do the exact same. Rarely are good things seen. Is that because I’ve been trained by society to act like this, to ignore the good, the pleasant, the joyful? When will happiness or, at least, complacency come? Where will there be an end, a halt, a change in course?
Soon I hope.
