Posts Tagged ‘failure’
Due to college-related stress, I had a nervous breakdown about 10 minutes ago. The first thing I did was call my mom, hoping to get a sympathetic ear- long story short, she’s not exactly a sensitive soul. The next person I tried was my sister- no answer on the telephone. So, my last resort: a big slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top. “Ahh, finally the solace I need,” I thought to myself as I devoured the first bite. Immediately, my tears stopped and my nerves settled. As I went in for my second bite, a thought occured to me…put down the pie, and pick up the laptop. Yes! BRBcoffee would be the perfect place to vent my frustrations to the general Norwegian/West Virginian universe in a way that didn’t go straight to my chin(s). The pie is still next to me, but I have not touched it since I opened this web page.
And now, onto why I came to BRBcoffee in the first place: to vent!
Back story: I am a student transferring from my 2-year Community College to a 4-year University- more specifically Eastern Washington University. I graduated from said Community College this past summer and decided to take a quarter off in order to give myself plenty of time to transfer to EWU.
Current reason why I am stressed: Eastern took waaaaay longer than promised to review my transcript, accept me as a student, and allow me to declare a major (something I have yet to be able to do). I was finally scheduled for an appointment today with the department head, but got a call that she was not going to be in after all. Well, the woman who I was talking to decided she would help me register for classes over the phone- she suggested Statistics (which was full but she would open a seat for me), a stress management class (also full), and an online class as my only options. I went along with it but mentioned to her that I was pretty sure I didn’t need a Stats class for what I was going into. Turns out, I had been directed to the completely wrong department. All the work I had gone through this past month with calling people, trying to get appointments set up, encountering endless road bumps- all a complete waste of time, and now there is a very small likelihood that I will be able to get into any classes.
Core of the issue: If I don’t get into Eastern by this following quarter, I am going to feel like a failure. My father will be disappointed in me, but more importantly- I will be disappointed in me. I often fear that I am doing nothing productive with my life and that I, basically, suck. College, however, was my small salvation. Though it was a terrible process for me on some days, I forced myself to go and do well in order to say, “I’m not a complete waste of skin.” It made my family proud of me and made me feel less guilty for living a privileged life. Now that I think about it, most of my self-identity was centered around school. Sad, I know, but not being able to go to school just seems completely devastating. I could try and fail to get a job, I guess, but I just don’t feel like it’d be worth it.
Maybe it’s a problem solely with me, or maybe it’s a problem with the fucked-up system known as America. All I know is that I’m not very happy. At least right now, I’m not. I don’t like that feeling of stomach-churning anxiety (which inevitably leads to diarrhea- TMI?) everytime I do anything. I don’t know, maybe I need help.
There is one thing I know for sure, I need to get this off my chest:
FUCK YOU, COLLEGE!!!
